Beauty
Audio version available below.
Isn’t it interesting how time changes your self-perspective? When I was in my twenties, at five foot six, I wore a size 9 pair of jeans. I wasn’t model thin, but I had nice curves and long legs. I had long hair that was straight and generally well behaved. People would tell me I was pretty, but I never could see it. I noticed every bit of cellulite on my body with disdain. I have birthmark on my forehead that I would cover with bangs. One of my front teeth is chipped from a childhood accident with a wagon. My face is not particularly symmetrical, an attribute associated with beauty. However, looking back on photos of myself from this vantage point (I’m 58) I see that I was beautiful. My smile was warm and engaging. My eyes usually twinkled as if I knew about a nice surprise. Why was I so unable to see the beauty at the time?
Once I had a personality test in order to gain employment. Of all things, they required it for the position I was applying for at a restaurant where I would fill the salad bar. The hiring manager told me no one he’d ever tested before tested so low in self-esteem. I didn’t find his remarks particularly helpful! Later after being successful in college and starting a professional job, I continued to struggle with a healthy self-outlook. I threw myself into work and tried to constantly top my achievements. But I never felt worthy – never felt like it was enough and compliments seemed to bounce right off me, never touching me deeply with some sense of truth.
I don’t know when I finally decided I needed to love myself. I began asking myself how I would treat me if I were someone else. Wouldn’t I give them a break? Wouldn’t I help them see their value? I started looking at myself differently in the mirror. I began telling myself positive things like – you look pretty, you are worthy. I’ve learned to start treating my 58-year-old self kindly, the way I would treat a friend.
About ten years ago I had a powerful dream. In my dream I was 96 years old. I don’t know how I knew I was that age, but I did. In this dream I saw myself smiling with my hands cupped together in front of me and I said, “I have much to give.” With that, I woke up. The dream affected me, causing me to lose some of my fear of growing old. I see now that the wrinkles will get deeper, my body will shrink and possibly stoop, but I will stay engaged, I will find a way to add value, and I will always be beautiful.
