Once upon a time, I was a paper-pushing contractor in a land of small cubicles and big dreams. I was known as the schmooze queen as I had a knack for producing correspondence with the right tone. On one occasion, my manager brought me a sensitive assignment. They needed me to write a sole-source justification for a contract to prepare a plan. The justification was needed because ABC, LLC was to do the work without going through a competitive bid. The cost estimate was a quarter million dollars.

I began reviewing our procurement procedure to help me make the case. Did we need the work done immediately? Hmmn. Not so much. Did the work require ABC’s specific expertise? ….Ah, no. What was going on with this project? I returned to my manager. “Why should ABC be given this work on a silver platter”, I asked. No answer was given. I was just redirected to write it. I was a stubborn schmooze queen though and I decided to speak to someone higher up the food chain.

Entering my bosses’ bosses’ office, was like entering the principal’s office voluntarily - spooky. I told him I couldn’t find any reason to avoid a competitive bid. How could I write a justification that I did not believe? He responded with a line of bs so thick it needed steak sauce. “Who was to say whether one contractor was more deserving than another”? “Who was to say that ABC wasn’t the best”? I said I disagreed, but left his office, nonetheless. 

After stewing a couple days, I arranged yet another meeting with someone close to the top of our firm. An administrator asked the meeting’s purpose, but I was vague. I was soon seated in an overstuffed leather chair across an impressive desk from an even more impressive person. He smiled. He was glad I’d come. He said it was quite simple. ABC’s CEO was the son-in-law of someone special – very special. This was just the way things were done. He shook my hand and I returned to my cubical most deflated. 

Now I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew I didn’t want to write the thing. I returned one last time to my boss and asked to be relieved of the task. It was then he played the guilt card. If we didn’t get this contract issued, he might lose his job. 

Here is where I want to say, that’s where I stood firm. That’s where I said, “Can’t help you with that.” Instead, I looked into those big brown middle management eyes and said, “Ok. I’ll help.”  I fired up my bs macro, wrote some eloquent crap and turned it in.

The contract was soon issued, ABC did the work, and nobody and nothing died save for my innocence. I had believed the mantra – that work was earned by merit, and I was crushingly re-informed – so crushingly, in fact, that I soon had a nervous meltdown and needed time off work. Yes – I did have bipolar disorder and yes, I’d had other issues, but this was a triggering event. When I was released back to work, I was assured there had been no shady dealings. I had “misunderstood.”

Strange now, decades later to have such memories. I’m lucky. I’ve seldom been asked to do something I felt was wrong, and after this experience I learned push back hard to keep my work conscience clean. How about you? Do you stay true to yourself at work? Trust me. What you do now matters later, and sometimes all you have is your integrity.