I’ve always thought of myself as an honest person. But upon reflection, I’m not so sure that’s true. What do we mean when we say we value honesty? In some cases, the truth seems fairly straight forward. Someone asks you, “Did you eat the last piece of cake?” And you did eat the last piece..but you say, “No, I didn’t.” then clearly you are being dishonest. But what about these so-called white lies – those little instances of blurring the lines around the truth to protect someone’s feelings. Someone invites you to a party and you make an excuse because you don’t want to go, or they show you their new outfit and ask you what you think, and you say it’s beautiful, because that’s what they seem to need to hear. In either case, you’re trying to save another person’s feelings so in the whole truth and lies paradigm this is generally accepted as a loophole. 

My mother had an interesting approach regarding honesty – she would always find something nice and truthful to say, like “the dress is a lovely color” or “the food was very nutritious.” Of course, I figured her out pretty quickly and could tell if she wasn’t telling ALL. She actually tried to school me in her ways of partial disclosure. One of her well-worn pieces of advice to me was – “You don’t tell everything you know.”

But what about this telling what you know business? What about “lies of omission”? In day-to-day interactions I’m not on the witness stand. I’m not sworn to tell the whole truth. And in this regard, I am probably guilty of these lies more than any other. Mainly this happens when I’m faced with a situation in which someone assumes I agree with them, but I do not… and yet I am silent. It seems this happens frequently. I am a private person and I’m choosey about who I share my personal feelings with. So when others start spouting beliefs as if they are gospel, I don’t engage with them to tell them I disagree. For this reason, I’m sure there are folks I know who believe I was a Trump supporter, and some who think I’ve been a staunch Democrat. This list of misperceptions could go on and on. 

Does lack of full disclosure make me dishonest - the fact that I feel and think things I choose not to reveal? I hope not. There are people in my life with whom I will summon the energy to disagree.  There are people who I will honor with my opinions even if it takes some energy to explain myself.  These friends are the ones I allow to know who I am inside and out. I am truly grateful for these people because we know where we stand with one another and I know I won’t be rejected simply for having a different point of view.

Some personality tests I’ve taken over the years indicated that those who meet me can find me aloof or unfeeling. Maybe it’s just my privacy factor – the fact that I don’t choose to reveal my feelings at every turn, I’m not sure. For me, real soul-bearing honesty requires trust and that is something not given but earned. To tell or not to tell? What is your view?